22 June 2007

A historic breakthrough in the Islamic alcohol industry...

An attempt to highlight some dangers of not adequately applying our minds.
A historic breakthrough in the Islamic alcohol industry was announced at a recent gathering of industry experts...

By Abu Eesa -- The innovative Islamic alcohol industry is estimated to have a potential annual turnover of 150 billion pints of beer.

This potential turnover has been growing at some 15% per annum for several years, as many Muslims grow increasingly impatient in expectation of their first halal drink.

Now, thanks to the pioneering efforts of a small group of dedicated researchers at the International Institute for Islamic Beer, Muslims across the globe can look forward to spending Friday nights in their local pub just like the kaafirs.

"For many Muslims, access to the kind of social opportunities enjoyed by non-Muslims has not been forthcoming. We believe that by allowing the average Muslim to enjoy a drink down the pub with his non-Muslim friends, a wider variety of job and business opportunities will become available. This can only be good for the Ummah" commented Yaqoob Goldstone, developer of the ground-breaking al-Beer contract.

Using al-Beer, the group of specialists demonstrated how Muslim clients will be able to enjoy their new found freedom.

The Muslim (called the "al-Muslim" in the contract documents) first makes an agreement with the bar manager (the "al-Manager") that he will lay down on the floor of the bar facing upwards with his mouth wide open.

The al-Manager then fills a specially reinforced glass with an alcoholic beverage.

One end of a string is now carefully wrapped around the reinforced glass and the other end is tied to the front door.

The al-Manager now appoints an agent, who is not connected with the al-Muslim, and requires the agent to enter the bar after all the other arrangements have been put in place.

As soon as the agent enters the bar, the string tips the glass over and empties the contents into the al-Muslim's mouth.

So how easy was it to obtain Shariah approval for the al-Beer contract? "Not too difficult", explains Goldstone.

"We asked the Sheikhs whether it is halal to wrap a string around a glass, and they said yes. We asked them is it halal to lay down on a floor, and they said yes. Then we asked them is it halal to open a door, and again they said yes it is halal."

Market commentators say that the main problem with the al-Beer contract at the moment is that the al-Muslim cannot specify which beverage he wants the al-Manager to put in the glass.

"For the al-Muslim to specify that he wants an alcoholic drink in the glass would be a contravention of Shariah, and that is haram" explains Dr. Abdul Iwanto, a well known commentator.

"On the other hand if the al-Muslim finds that an alcoholic drink accidentally spills into this mouth, then there is no sin upon him. That is the essence of the al-Beer contract."

But how many drinks can the al-Muslim reasonably have before it is no longer possible to see the arrangement as an accident?

The specialists have of course foreseen this issue and have placed a limit of six upon the number of accidents that the al-Muslim can have in any one evening.

"It's a well established fact that Muslims aren't allowed to get themselves drunk", remarks Iwanto.

Other commentators are not so impressed. At a fringe meeting outside the main conference hall, one complained that the Islamic Alcohol Industry was a contradiction in terms.

"We keep on telling them that you can't have Islamic alcoholic drinks but they just don't listen".

For his part, Goldstone believes that just as Islamic banking products have opened up a world of financial opportunities to Muslims in the last few years, so too the al-Beer contract will open up the social scene of nightclubs and pub-crawls.

He certainly is an interesting character, and seems to have the genuine interests of Islam at heart.

We look forward to seeing where his innovative product development takes us in years to come.



irshaad said...

hilarious!! lol we really do live in a strange,strange world

Fatima said...


Anonymous said...

heard you on channel islam on saturday ... i hate being rude but really ... you spoke about people buying "STUFF".... and went on about "STUFF" ......and it being unnecessary "STUFF" ...... what were you on about??...........whatever i buy i like!?? .. OBVIOUSLY when u get older your needs are less.......does that mean we shoul;dnt be buying "STUFF" ...

also....you spoke about rather giving that money in charity.....im not being rude again.......but why dont you rather give your money to charity instead of travelling all over the place.........and im sure you buy "STUFF''

please reply


Anonymous said...

Invitation to Book Launch

Shabbir Banoobhai’s

water would suffice - reflections of love

Date: Tuesday – 26 June 2007

Time: 5.45 pm for 6.00pm

Venue: Quarterdeck, Point Yacht Club, Durban
Off Victoria Embankment - The Esplanade.
Guest Speaker: Thayalan Reddy
Hosted by: Live Poets’ Society, Durban

Bilal said...

@irshaad & fatima:
Its not real hey! Its a jibe at the current circus called "Islamic Banking"!!

Slmz Ayesha,
Its fine- those comments are not rude.
If you like stuff, then there is no way you are no way you are going to stop buying.. The point I tried to make, is that we all need to curb our consumption. You understand why that would be necessary, given the current climate?
And the other point I tried to make was that we should be making better use of our money- travel without purpose could be understood by some to be a waste of money, but fortunately I avoid that. All my travels have been (& I hope continue to be) with a purpose or objective, of sorts… You disagree?
If you are having trouble understanding any other points I raised, feel free to enquire once again.

Thanks for the invite, but I am in Jhb. Try facebook to advertise more effectively. That’s where people spend time these days…

Zahira said...

hmmmm i see i wasnt the only blonde having a moment lol :D

Bilal said...

u were def not- i guess its scary to think that people could actually believe that something like this could happen!

Fatima said...

lol i knew it was a joke...my comments haven't been saving properly :/
i leave comments and it tells me it saves...then i check now...it didn't save properly.
it saved my correction of the first comment :/
bleh :/
i said something along the lines of, "it's so strange&funny that i can't leave a proper comment on it-lol i'm speechless"